Edinburmingham

Edinburmingham

Well I’ve had a strange day.

It started in Edinburgh, as all days should, where I was asked to accept an award from Radio Forth for the Best Act at this year’s Fringe.ย  I was more than a little chuffed to receive it, so I made my way up to bonnie Scotland yesterday, and awoke this morning bright eyed and bushy tailed.

I headed up to the Assembly Rooms, where I was sat at a table with various Forth FM peeps that included Arlene, Boogie and Dingo. The latter two were sporting Movember moustaches that made them look like Ron Jeremy and Ron Burgundy respectively. As Arlene left the table to host the Awards ceremony, she was replaced by a very flamboyant, camp, and possibly drunk man who shall remain nameless.

This man immediately fawned over another celeb at the table, the lovely model turned broadcaster Gail Porter, who informed me she was now doing stand up. While Gail and I talked comedy, the man drank glass after glass of wine, and as the show started, he rocked back in his chair, eyes closed, seemingly asleep. What happened in next twelve minutes was all a bit of a blur, but I think it went down like this:

I gave Gail Porter my number in case she needed help with her show, the man passed out and fell off his chair and was attended to by first aid staff, my name was called out, I took to the stage, did a ten minute set, then ran outside and jumped in a cab to the airport. Oh, did I not mention I had a show in Birmingham tonight as well?

That’s right. I walked on stage in Edinburgh at 3.20pm, I left the venue at 3.35pm for a flight that was scheduled to leave at 4.50pm, to land in Birmingham at 5.55pm, for a show that started at 8.30pm. Luckily, it all went smoothly and I walked on stage at the Glee Club on time.

Then I met Martin, and John and Matt, and the ladies. Let’s take them one at a time though.

First Martin. Martin said he was from a place in Birmingham called “Great Bar”, then added “There isn’t one”. I suggested that this sounded like the perfect opening to a comedy routine, and invited Martin to the stage to become a comedian for a minute. That minute got longer and longer however when I asked Martin what he did for a living.

“I’m a trainer”.

“What do you train people in?”

“Asbestos”

As you can imagine, that got a big laugh. And the laughs kept coming. Martin trained people in how to be aware of asbestos, as did his mate in the audience. Everything Martin said seemed to accidentally get a laugh, and occasionally a round of applause, so eventually I gave him a proper introduction, and he delivered his “Great Bar” line properly, to a massive ovation.

During the interval I tweeted to see what Martin should call his show if ever he has one. The suggestions were: “Asbestos yet to come”; “Thelma and The Wheeze”; “Retardant” and “I’ve got mesothelioma, get me out of here”.

The clear winner however was “Cough Up, You’re Paying For It”, so I took a shot of Martin to go on the poster:

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Next up were the ladies who lunch – four women who all have seven year old children, and decided to have a night out together. They left the husbands at home, drank soft drinks, and were generally lovely. They looked like this:

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Finally, we come to the two lads sitting directly to my left. Jon and Matt were their names, from Buckinghamshire. I suggested that they were way too good looking to be funny, and that they looked more like porn stars. This was confirmed by John’s surname – Zinkus.

Lady in porn film: “Zinkus?”

John: “I think I just might”

I took a photo of the two, uploaded it and asked for twitter captions.

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The winner will only make sense to UK TV watchers – “John and Edward age 10 years overnight”

There was also a tweet from a girl in France suggesting I set the lads up with her sister and a friend in the sixth row. So I did. When I left the venue they were all still out the front having a chat, as were three ladies that have seen me in Norwich, Bromsgrove and now Birmingham, one of whom told me the German word for “hymen”.

So that was my day. Edinburgh awards, Gail Porter, an unconscious man, a flight to Birmingham, a comedically enhanced asbestos trainer, two John and Edward clones, four yummy mummies, and the German word for hymen.

The only downside of the day? By leaving the awards ceremony early, I missed one of the main musical acts – Spandau Ballet. Bugger. Probably just as well though – I don’t know how much I could take in twenty four hours.

Bed now, Andover tomorrow.

‘Night

Adam

9 Comments

  • shell

    19.11.2009 at 12:08 Reply

    ha ha ๐Ÿ™‚ i was there sooo funny, cheers for a great night really enjoyed myself ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Kirsten

    19.11.2009 at 18:00 Reply

    Thanks for another lovely evening! Apologies for ruining your sign language punchline, but we just couldn’t resist. Really hope it didn’t put you off too much to know there were people in the audience who knew the material already – it was just as good the second time around, and we did notice you tried to add a few different bits to it, so that was fun.

    Jen gave me a more detailed explanation of Pakenham Upper in the car – she’s a biology teacher, so she puts things more bluntly. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Hope the rest of the tour goes well (no more bugging you, we promise!).

  • Jenna

    20.11.2009 at 01:18 Reply

    Had a fantastic night – thank you! Be sure to come back soon!

  • Zinkus

    20.11.2009 at 03:24 Reply

    Great show again Adam!

    Turned out one of Matts and my american football coaches was in the crowd too. Needless to say we’ll be getting ripped at training tonight.

    Have a fun time touring, John

  • Anna

    20.11.2009 at 04:57 Reply

    Thank you for a great night at the Glee Club, I did tell you this after the show I was one of the drunken girls who spoke to about tilly big balls in Edinburgh. It seems that ever time I see you you’re a warm up for someone in the audience who gets an unexpected laugh and round of applause.

    Anyway so glad we saw the show again and as I said on the night you really helped lift my spirits after a rather lousy few months.

    So Go You Big Red Fire Engine ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Maccalad

    21.11.2009 at 01:06 Reply

    First time I’ve seen you Adam – and won’t be the last.
    An absolutely excellent night – wjhich had it’s own spooky elements pour moi.
    1 – I sat next to an old work colleague I’d not seen for almost three years – what a coincidence eh.
    2 – Like the asbestos boys, I rang a friend to say I had a last minute ticket after the other half cried off. I got some worried looks after you dragged the one stage. Was he next??
    3 – I guessed the policeman’s helmet on the sign language.

    Great way to spend and evening and I’ll spread the word!

  • Tricia

    21.11.2009 at 05:27 Reply

    Insomnia has an up side.

    I caught a special of yours on tv at stupid o clock one morning a few months ago. Soon after I saw you were on tour and simply had to buy some tickets for a couple of friends and my mum, who’s had a rough year but is still smiling, especially after your show.

    As I was the only one to have seen you before my group wasn’t sure what to expect. What they got was a great inflating night, although I don’t think we inflated anyone with our “singing”. We’re blaming you and not the wine we consumed, Bon Jovi and Elbow are fab.

    Your genuine joy in everything shines through. Thanks for a brilliant evening. We’ll be back, and this time we’ll try not to sing.

  • Kay Cunningham

    21.11.2009 at 09:15 Reply

    What a fantastic show at the Glee Wednesday night-it was just brilliant

  • Kay Cxx

    21.11.2009 at 09:18 Reply

    Hi Adam what a fantastic show at the Glee Club Wednesday night-you dont need a script just chatting with the crowd was more than enough material-had a great night-I also took someone with me at the last minute-he wasnt on stage, but he was the long lost work mate of Maccalad

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