Well I’ve had a strange day.
It started in Edinburgh, as all days should, where I was asked to accept an award from Radio Forth for the Best Act at this year’s Fringe. I was more than a little chuffed to receive it, so I made my way up to bonnie Scotland yesterday, and awoke this morning bright eyed and bushy tailed.
I headed up to the Assembly Rooms, where I was sat at a table with various Forth FM peeps that included Arlene, Boogie and Dingo. The latter two were sporting Movember moustaches that made them look like Ron Jeremy and Ron Burgundy respectively. As Arlene left the table to host the Awards ceremony, she was replaced by a very flamboyant, camp, and possibly drunk man who shall remain nameless.
This man immediately fawned over another celeb at the table, the lovely model turned broadcaster Gail Porter, who informed me she was now doing stand up. While Gail and I talked comedy, the man drank glass after glass of wine, and as the show started, he rocked back in his chair, eyes closed, seemingly asleep. What happened in next twelve minutes was all a bit of a blur, but I think it went down like this:
I gave Gail Porter my number in case she needed help with her show, the man passed out and fell off his chair and was attended to by first aid staff, my name was called out, I took to the stage, did a ten minute set, then ran outside and jumped in a cab to the airport. Oh, did I not mention I had a show in Birmingham tonight as well?
That’s right. I walked on stage in Edinburgh at 3.20pm, I left the venue at 3.35pm for a flight that was scheduled to leave at 4.50pm, to land in Birmingham at 5.55pm, for a show that started at 8.30pm. Luckily, it all went smoothly and I walked on stage at the Glee Club on time.
Then I met Martin, and John and Matt, and the ladies. Let’s take them one at a time though.
First Martin. Martin said he was from a place in Birmingham called “Great Bar”, then added “There isn’t one”. I suggested that this sounded like the perfect opening to a comedy routine, and invited Martin to the stage to become a comedian for a minute. That minute got longer and longer however when I asked Martin what he did for a living.
“I’m a trainer”.
“What do you train people in?”
As you can imagine, that got a big laugh. And the laughs kept coming. Martin trained people in how to be aware of asbestos, as did his mate in the audience. Everything Martin said seemed to accidentally get a laugh, and occasionally a round of applause, so eventually I gave him a proper introduction, and he delivered his “Great Bar” line properly, to a massive ovation.
During the interval I tweeted to see what Martin should call his show if ever he has one. The suggestions were: “Asbestos yet to come”; “Thelma and The Wheeze”; “Retardant” and “I’ve got mesothelioma, get me out of here”.
The clear winner however was “Cough Up, You’re Paying For It”, so I took a shot of Martin to go on the poster:
Next up were the ladies who lunch – four women who all have seven year old children, and decided to have a night out together. They left the husbands at home, drank soft drinks, and were generally lovely. They looked like this:
Finally, we come to the two lads sitting directly to my left. Jon and Matt were their names, from Buckinghamshire. I suggested that they were way too good looking to be funny, and that they looked more like porn stars. This was confirmed by John’s surname – Zinkus.
Lady in porn film: “Zinkus?”
John: “I think I just might”
I took a photo of the two, uploaded it and asked for twitter captions.
The winner will only make sense to UK TV watchers – “John and Edward age 10 years overnight”
There was also a tweet from a girl in France suggesting I set the lads up with her sister and a friend in the sixth row. So I did. When I left the venue they were all still out the front having a chat, as were three ladies that have seen me in Norwich, Bromsgrove and now Birmingham, one of whom told me the German word for “hymen”.
So that was my day. Edinburgh awards, Gail Porter, an unconscious man, a flight to Birmingham, a comedically enhanced asbestos trainer, two John and Edward clones, four yummy mummies, and the German word for hymen.
The only downside of the day? By leaving the awards ceremony early, I missed one of the main musical acts – Spandau Ballet. Bugger. Probably just as well though – I don’t know how much I could take in twenty four hours.
Bed now, Andover tomorrow.