Please excuse the overly long title, but it’s the first time I have ever performed “Mess Around” twice in one night – a fact that may also lead to some rather to-the-point blogs, as I attempt to make it to bed asap.
Well, the first show tonight was the culmination of a week-long search to find a date for Alistair, a guy from the front row of my opening night who seemed like a naive young Englishman, in search of the right lady.
I may have misjudged the situation.
Alistair fulfilled his promise to attend the show tonight, so I fulfilled mine by donating two hundred pounds to the charity event he was missing. It was for a group called Play Association Hammersmith, and I highly recommend you check them out.
I brought Alistar to the stage, bought him a beer, placed him in a stool, and made him wear an eyemask (courtesy of Air New Zealand). He looked like this:
I then asked Alistair about himself and discovered 1) he is an Aussie, not an English rose 2) when his parents aren’t around he is a lot more confident, some would say cheeky and 3) he recently spent the night with a man to try it out, but was disappointed.
This last fact took us all a little by surprise. Not so much a naive English rose looking for the right lady, as a confused and cocky Aussie kid, unsure of what he is looking for. It was a Jerry Springer-esque admission that no one expected, but we pushed on regardless.
Two of the three ladies I had found for Alistair during the week were in the room, Bonnie and Olivia, but Bulgarian Milena had yet to arrive. “Don’t worry” said a man with a thick European accent “she has been taken care of”.
What he meant was, “she is on her way”, but in a European accent it sounded much more sinister. A woman called Emily put her hand up as a late entrant, then Milena arrived, and thus we had four contenders for Alistair.
After a few false starts Alistair turned to the audience to find out what to ask the ladies and received the response “What do you do in your spare time?”
Emily said “Cocktails and the Tate”, Bonnie said “sports and scuba diving”, Milena said “Rock climbing” and Olivia said “I’m a student, so drinking”
Then a question was posed to Alistair – “Where would you take a lady on a first date?”
He replied that he had recently taken a lady to a vegetarian restaurant called Mildred’s, at which I suggested perhaps he shouldn’t mention previous dates while trying to woo a new lady.
Next was another question for the ladies – “What’s your perfect night?”
Emily said “The theatre, to see The Tempest” at which Alistair responded with glee “Oh yes, me too. Ralph Fiennes!!!” I was starting to think that perhaps I was searching for the wrong gender for Alistair.
Bonnie chipped in with “Well, as an Aussie, it wouldn’t be a vegetarian restaurant then watching him try to get off with Ralph Fiennes” I surmised that Bonnie was out of the race.
Milena answered with a string of words that were only vaguely comprehensible, but when I asked her Bulgarian friend for a translation he replied “She’s out too”
That left Olivia, who said her perfect night would be “drinking”. Well, she is a student.
I brought the ladies to the stage, and asked the audience who they thought should go on the date with Alistair. They voted overwhelmingly for Emily.
Decision time came, the audience hushed, and Alistair chose – Emily. He removed the eye mask, and posed with Emily:
I then gave Olivia and Milena a copy of the Daniel Craig Biography to take home with them while Bonnie ended up with the eye mask.
Both Alistair and Emily promised to let me know how the date goes, although Emily asked me if I would find her another man if it didn’t work out. I fear I may have to do the same for Alistair.
And that pretty much took up the entire hour. I will tell you all about the second show of the night in the next blog but it is worth noting that during the second show I received a text message from Bonnie to say that while she sat in the bar after the show, Alistair dropped by her table and dropped off his number, then returned to Emily. I now fear we may have a cad and a bounder on our hands. This whole thing is getting to be more intriguing than Downton Abbey and Glee put together.
I will sign off this blog now, and start the second one forthwith, but I have a feeling this isn’t the last we have heard of Alistair and Emily.