After a couple of days off (well, filming TV spots for ESPN and Mock The Week) it was into the next night of the UK tour of Mess Around, and tonight it was the lovely Glee Club in Nottingham.
A quick scan of the front row lead me to believe a 69 year old woman called Janet was going to be the provider of comedy gold for the evening. A well-built man called Tim was my back up, and another goateed man called Adam was backup number two. I never really made it past Janet to be honest.
Janet was sitting with her son-in-law Richard, while her husband Mike was sat a few rows back, after swapping with Richard in an attempt to avoid being in the front row. Of course, I made them swap back – much to Mike’s chagrin.
I asked Mike what he did and he told us he built power stations. Awesome. I asked Janet who else had come with them, and she replied “Nick is here as well. He was my daughter’s bridesmaid.” Of course. I asked Janet where her daughter was, and she replied “She’s at home, I think”. So I phoned Sarah to check.
Sarah was indeed at home, and a quick chat established that she had drawn the short straw and was looking after their three year old daughter for the night. I bade her farewell, but almost immediately Mike received a text message on his phone. I took it, replied, and a wee while later Sarah decided to take advantage of the situation:
Cheeky. I read her offer out onstage and received no takers, so I promised to display it here on the blog. If anyone would like some wrought iron window furniture, please leave a comment after the blog, and perhaps Sarah will do a deal with you.
I should point out that this exchange took place on either side of the interval, something I have never had in a “Mess Around” show before. I tell you what – the audience don’t half become feisty after an interval.
The second half started with a guy in the front row pointing out that there seemed to be a long hair trailing from the fly of my jeans. I looked down, after asking why he was looking at the fly of my jeans, and found that there was indeed a long hair. I had absolutely no idea what to do with it, so I gave it to the guy that spotted it, saying “I’ll give you a tenner if you floss with it”
I asked him to do it again on camera, but he said he had dropped it. So he then took one of his girlfriend’s hairs and flossed with it.
I then tried to find if anyone in the front row had a cooler job than Mike, who you may remember built Power Stations, specifically in Corby and Peterborough. The first thing I noticed was that my backup audience guy Tim had left during the interval.
Moving along I found a guy who works at “Go Ape” – a fact that impressed most people in the room – a decorator and a nurse. Shaking her hand I asked if she had checked any prostates today, and that’s when things got weird.
I asked Mike if he had had his prostate checked. Mike said no. Laura (the nurse) said she would do it. Mike gave her two thumbs up. I suggested that’s what Laura was about to give him.
I also suggested that if women were used to advertise prostate checks, more men would have them done. This lead me to reiterate the prostate awareness slogan that came out of one of last week’s London shows – No Joke, Be A Bloke, Get A Poke.
I then suggested we take a raunchy shot of Laura, and mock up a poster (much in the style of Sachin from last week). Laura said she needed a pair of gloves and a guy over her lap for the full effect. The gloves arrived courtesy of Ian the sound and lighting guy who raided the First Aid cabinet, and the guy arrived courtesy of Mike – who suggested his son-in-law Richard should be the lucky recipient.
Richard agreed, Laura pouted, and voila – a campaign is born:
Once again, the challenge is now for any budding graphic designers out there to take this photo, add the phrase “No Joke, Be A Bloke, Get A Poke”, and let’s see where how far we can take this thing by the end of the tour.
I should add that while all this was happening, the initially reluctant Mike was shouting at me to stop blocking his view so that he could take a photo himself. He did, and unbeknownst to me sent it to Sarah at home. A few minutes later he received another text, that made him laugh out loud. Please excuse the language and the blurriness.
I eventually found a guy in the front row called John, who worked as a trolley dolly on the trains. I decided that his was a worthy job, and one that needed a bit of an image change, so I called him on stage and asked him to reenact pushing a trolley along a train carriage, while Ian played “Bad To The Bone” by George Thorogood, and hit him with some strobe lighting.
And so after an hour and fifty minutes, it was time to say goodbye. I thanked all and sundry, but made special mention of the real stars of tonight’s show – Janet and Mike.
A massive shout out must also go to Richard, who in a beautifully prophetic moment, tweeted this before the show: