Well, Swindon was a hoot.
It started well before the show with a number of tweets from people who were excited to have scored tickets. One person was coming from Minehead, taking a car and two trains, and another had said she was bringing cookies. It promised to be a good night.
As I took to the stage a latecomer entered the door, which was right alongside the stage. He looked suitably embarrassed so I of course started to chat to him. He said his name was Miec (pronounced Mietch). I asked his surname and he exhaled deeply, then said something that sounded like Voyvodka. It was spelt Wojewodka. Not surprisingly his parents were from Poland, although he was unable to speak much of the language.
When I asked him to say something bland in Polish, just to see if the European accent was sexy, he said the first words he could think of, which when translated from Polish were “Go f@*k a horse.” Nice.
Then about three things happened at once. I turned to a twelve year old on the other end of the row, while a man in front of me pointed at a bag that was left on stage, and a woman’s phone buzzed with a text message. I taught the young lad the meaning of the word “clitoris” then examined the bag and found it contained a present for my baby daughter and a t shirt that Jason (in the front row) had made after he appeared on stage with me in the London Mess Around last year.
He was wearing the same shirt, and this time had brought along his lovely lady Louise, who had only been on the phone last time.
I then turned to the woman who received the text, and read it. It was from the mother of her daughter’s friend, worried that her own son hadn’t brought home any words for her spelling tests. I of course replied.
A few minutes later she responded, asking what the words to be learnt were. So with the help of the audience, I compiled a list:
Heh, heh. We then had an interval, during which one of the venue staff (and they were all excellent by the way, especially Tom who made a cracking cup of tea) told me that he overheard the lady in the front row on the phone to her friend explaining that I was the one sending the texts and that if any more come in they’d be from me.
I began the second half therefore, by sending an all new list of words to her friend, once again suggested by the audience. Those of you with sensitive eyes may want to look away now, cos they got a little fruity.
I then turned my attention to our ongoing prostate awareness campaign that started last week in London with a guy called Sachin. We now have a slogan “No Joke, Be A Bloke, Get A Poke” and a poster…
…so I decided what we need now is a catchy gesture that celebs can adopt in photos. And I think you know what that gesture is.
I started with Miec,
then roped in Jason and his wife.
I now intend to rope in as many famous people as I can before the end of the tour to make the same gesture. Being that I am appearing on Soccer AM on Saturday with Blink 182, this may get interesting.
It was at this point that the phone in the front row buzzed again, and it seemed our heroine on the other end of the SMS line took up the challenge to create a sentence with the offensive list of words. It was so long, I had to photograph it in two parts.
OK, she wrote “prostrate” instead of “prostate”, but it was damn impressive.
I finished the show by taking a prostate awareness shot of the woman whose phone I had been abusing, as she abused her husband, who also assumed the pose
I also gave out a few presents of my own, including a DVD for the guy that traveled from Minehead, and another for Jason for bringing me gifts. I also promised to try to get some famous names in Louise’s autograph book before my final tour show in Oxford. The only other thing I could find to give away was a banana from the dressing room, so I signed it for Miec.
By this stage the audience were clearly getting a little carried away with themselves, as they insisted upon a photo in which I used the banana to check Miec’s prostate, while he exposed his pink underwear. I agreed, but said I wasn’t going to look happy about it.
And that brings us to the end of the evening’s events in Swindon. After the show, the venue staff delivered a tin of cookies to me backstage. Turns out the lady did indeed bring them but didn’t want to speak up during the show. They were delicious, and got me through the train ride back to London. Thank you.
I have a few days off now, although they will be filled with interviews for the UK DVD release of Inflatable. In a lovely turn of events, the Australian release has been nominated for an ARIA Award as I was writing this blog. Hurrah.
Thanks to everyone in Swindon for a top night, my next gig is in Colchester on Sunday, so I will probably update you all then.