Mess Around London Oct 14 – “I Wanna Text You Up”

Mess Around London Oct 14 – “I Wanna Text You Up”

Hello everyone

Tonight was the first night of my London run of Mess Around, and what a fascinating one it proved to be.

It started with a late arrival from my own manager who came direct from the launch of Michael McIntyre’s debut book, sat in the second row, and gave me two of Michael’s books. I immediately decided to keep them as prizes for interesting audience members. Who were in abundance.

First up was an Australian engineeer, partnered by a “underwriting technician” from Essex. In other words, she was an insurance assistant. Next to them was a girl called Emily who claimed there was nothing interesting about her, but I begged to differ.

She was from Essex, but came to the show without her boyfriend who was working at a University in Derby. I took Emily’s phone, and called her boyfriend Adam, to see what he was up to. He asnwered, we chatted, he explained the female voice calling his name in the background of the call (his flatmate) and I ascertained that Emily and Adam had only been together for a couple of months.

I then decided that they needed to send each other some sexy texts, and after hanging up on Adam, I drafted the audience’s help to write an appropriately saucy message. Bit by bit I took various siggestions from the audience, until we ended up with the following text:

“Dear my lovely Flaps, I want to suckle on your big moist hairy nipples, and want to caress your long huge shaft. Please? Signed Bunnykins”

Emily sent it off, and I promised to call her on stage tomorrow night to find out what the result was.

A further probing of the crowd found five Americans and a Mexican who were all studying photography (except for one called Adam who smugly announced he was studying business) and a guy in the front row of whom I couldn’t resist taking a photo. It looked like this:


I tweeted it and asked for captions and received the following:

  1. jaybee_bug Michael Bolton finds a hair straightener
  2. Hails9te TaDa! it only took me 69days but I found my way out of the box đŸ™‚
  3. JAJSounds Follow me and the Geeks shall inherit the Earth!
  4. adjvee if apple did Jesus
  5. brian_con Axl Rose dares the Dublin crowd to throw another bottle of water at him.
  6. andrewurry The 2nd coming wasn’t quite as succesful as the first one
  7. 84arussell“Forgive them Father, they didn’t go to Specsavers”
  8. HeathC Frisk me? Please? Somebody? I just want to be touched… *sob*
  9. sneakypetey Budget Jesus.

By the way, not only were there some cracking suggestions, but someone later informed me I was “trending” on Twitter in Australia while all this was happening. Sweet.

I finished the show by presenting the Ginger Jesus and Emily with a copy of Michael McIntyre’s book:


The best bit was, at the opposite end of the row from the engineer was a couple that have been to my show before. He is six foot six, she is three foot three and in a wheelchair. And yet, there was so much going on at the other end of the row, I never got to them.

That’s all for last night, I will update you daily during this run, and with a bit of luck we’ll find out how Emily and Adam got on too.

Til then,



  • Lynda

    15.10.2010 at 22:49 Reply

    Loved the show ….. am going again tonight!

  • elaine

    16.10.2010 at 02:48 Reply

    As you were so anti celebrity and Shiloh Pitt- just want to know what your baby is called? is it a “celebrity” name like Buddy Bear? great show- wish you could have persited with my friend and how old she was, she looks good for 72! loved the pizza guy story, next time I go to Australia will have to pay a visit.

  • Martine

    17.10.2010 at 00:28 Reply

    So now I know, Betty is from Melbourne and a career in Maaaaaaahketing sounds fun when said like a sheep. Adam Hills can mess around with me again anytime! It’s only taken me 2 years to see him live in his own show – problems with planes, trains and automobiles and the occasional dodgy pizza – where is Arthur when you need diamond cut pizza.
    The show was so much fun – everyone should be messed with.

    Keep the Big Red Fire Engine going.
    Martine x

  • Stacey

    23.11.2010 at 03:41 Reply

    Is there anywhere I online I can listen to the pizza story again. Best story ever and would love to share it!!

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