Mess Around UK 2011 – London Night 4

Mess Around UK 2011 – London Night 4

I’m not suite sure how to describe tonight’s show, so how about I give you a few teasers of what is to come:

There was a drunk Mum from Manchester, an American called Jody, a New Zealander doing his best to sabotage Australian, I was anally raped, and we found another possible date for Alistair.

Bit by bit, I’ll explain all of those:

At one end of the front row was a Mum and Dad from Manchester who had come to London to visit their two student daughters. Mum was quite raucous and flamboyant, a combination she attributed to Rohypnol (is that even how you spell it? Hang on, I’ll check my prescription. Boom!)

Although I spent the entire show betting she was gonna end up naked on stage on a stool, and while her daughter admitted the last time she saw her mum nude was this morning, she remained fully clothed.

I took a family portrait of them all so you can see what they looked like:


Further along the front row was an American called Jody. Nothing really to report here, except that he was polite, quietly spoken, and a little shy. So was his girlfriend June. I took a photo of them being shy to prove that there are actually shy Americans in the world:


Next up was a man who works for the Australian Government, marketing Melbourne to the rest of the world. When he told me the slogan was “It’s a great place to be” I suggested that perhaps he could do better. That’s when his girlfriend chipped in “He’s from New Zealand”. It occurred to me that perhaps he was sent here by the New Zealand Government to ensure no one travels to Australia, so I asked my twitter followers to come up with a good slogan for Australian tourism before the end of the show.

My favourites included:

ajkryll Australia – Hugh Jackman starred in it.
Cows_ftw what about a warning label… “Detention is better than a cure”

jackbern23 Australia: “It’s like what would happen if Scotland let itself go.”
84arussell Australia; all the stuff you do in Britain but with better weather and without the whole “being reserved” thing
CallumTBJones Australia it’s not New Zealand
BalernoDad (Jonny Seaton from two nights ago) Australia, bit shit at cricket and rugby but the weather’s bonze!

shell_here” Australia -everyone’s a comedian & they know their beer and their coffee and their UV protection and their hair products.”

FionaMFindlay u gonna believe 1 kiwi, or the 1000’s that live here now?
I then took a photo of the offending New Zealander for my new New Zealand tourism campaign with the slogan “New Zeland – Piss off we don’t  want you here”:
Talk then turned to another man in the crowd who scared me until I found out he was a New Zealander. I tried to act tough and talk up Australia’s chances at the Rugby World Cup, but admitted, and I will quote myself here – “The All Blacks are probably going to anally rape us in the semi finals”. I then suggested that may happen literally as well as figuratively, at which point the scary man suddenly became scary again.
I’m not quite sure how I ended up at the next step, but somehow I decided to take a photo of him anally raping me, as a representation of what the All Blacks may do to Australia in the semi finals of the World Cup. I’m not proud of myself people, I’m not proud:
As appalled as I was, I felt worse when I saw the “after photo”:
Can I just say, I sincerely hope the All Blacks don’t do this to Australia at the Rugby World Cup.
Finally, I continued my task of attempting to find a date for an audience member called Alistair who was in the audience on my first night. I have already managed to line up two possibilities – Bonnie and Milena. Tonight I went searching for a third. Before I did though, I received a tweet from Alistair, saying he couldn’t make it to the Friday show because he had tickets to a charity function (he’s a caring guy).
I offered to make a donation to the charity if he came to the show instead, a motion that was seconded by a friend of Alistair’s on twitter, and he agreed. Which means tomorrow night will be in aid of Play Association (Hammersmith and Fulham) which provides free and accessible play equipment in the borough. All I had to do was find a third suitor. And all I had to do was look at where Alistair first sat – because that’s where one of the Mancunian daughters was poised.
After looking at his photo on my phone, and receiving the nod of aproval from her sister, young Olivia took up the challenge and agreed to come to the show tomorrow.
So, tomorrow night is the big night – Olivia, Milena and Bonnie will hopefully all turn up to compete for Alistair’s affections, all while raising money for a good cause.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Oh, and I took a photo of the bald head of a guy from Adelaide called Anthony. No reason.
More to come tomorrow


  • Jason Jones

    23.09.2011 at 10:33 Reply

    Adam sounds like you having fun , You should be on top form mid Oct see you then.
    Jason (larger-naught) oct 22 2010

  • Rachel Mathers

    23.09.2011 at 22:59 Reply

    Hi Adam;

    I am Alistair’s friend who encouraged him to go see you and the lovely ladies on Twitter, and am also the Deputy Director of Play Association Hammersmith & Fulham! We are all delighted that you will be thinking of us tonight and scraping together some funds, and I will be thinking of Alistair and hoping he makes the best choice!

    Many thanks again,

Post a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.