Mess Around UK 2011 – Me And My Big Portsmouth

Mess Around UK 2011 – Me And My Big Portsmouth

Hello all

After nearly twelve months of no blog action, I have jumped back into a mini-UK Tour of Mess Around, the show in which I mainly faff around with the audience, then write a blog about it afterwards.

Tonight it all started in Portsmouth – coincidentally the town and venue in which I finished my tour of “Inflatable” in 2009. I was reminded by many a tweeter this week that I brought to that show pizzas, and a young man by the name of Tom Flood who had become a star of a previous show in Reading.

I had forgotten all about the pizza, but not Tom, and very hastily organised both for the show. Well, I say organised – Tom texted me yesterday to say hi, and I asked if he’d like to come to Portsmouth for the gig. Meanwhile I called Portsmouth Domino’s and ordered six extra large pizzas to be delivered to the venue at 9pm.

That wasn’t all that was delivered to the venue however, because just as I was preparing to take the stage, to tins of cupcakes were brought to me, baked by an audience member. They looked like this:


It too me while to bring them to the stage though, because sitting in the front row was a man mountain called Jon. I asked what he did for a living, and he told me he designed car wing mirrors. I then took a photo, tweeted it and asked what people thought his job was. I was keen to see if anyone on the planet would get it right.

The photo looked like this:


And the responses included:

Chops_Top_Fives Lifeguard?

Lisa_Ap Lisa Apicella – lifeguard, or my husband just added member of the village people!

rjm67 Richard Mills – Florist, obviously.

flopsy_mrs iris personal trainer

juliahoffmann87 Julia Hoffmann –   he’s definitely a palaeontologist

Rove Rove McManus – Jersey Shore cast member?

craigsteve15 Craig – does gay porn

mike3legs Mike Taylor – Pole dancer?

AdamTodd310389 Adam Todd  – That’s a squirrel hunter if ever I saw one!

TheAmereMortal Amere Mortal  – Dolphin wrangler?

ChrissieWild Chrissie – don’t know, but I’d be more concerned about what’s in his right pocket.

thelukebjj Luke Wykes – Unemployed Morrissey lookalike?

While all this was happening, I tried to explain twitter to a 67 year old man called Frank. Frank was unaware of this whole “twitter thing” so I decided to set up an account for him, and see how many followers he could get. Soundman Stu at the desk immediately jumped online and registered @frankrichards67, who by the end of the gig had amassed over 200 followers.

I set myself the task of increasing that number by the end of my tour, but forgot to pass the login details on to Frank afterwards. If anyone knows how I can track him down, please let me know. I would love his twitter career to take off.

There was then some lighthearted sledging between the lady that baked the cakes (who admitted on twitter she didn’t like Portsmouth) and a man in the front row who had tattoos of his children’s name on one arm and a tatt of the Portsmouth FC on his other. He said she was probably from Scum. She said at least she wasn’t a Skate. I had no idea what they were talking about. Turns out she had a tattoo of the Southampton Saints at the top of her buttocks. He said “That’d be right, just next to the shithole”

It was then time to bring Tom Flood to the stage, albeit a little late in the gig considering he had to get a train back home at 9.28. Over the course of the next twenty minutes Tom managed to derail the gig in the most delightful way, accusing me of breaking a promise to take him on tour in Australia (kinda true) neglecting him for well over a year (not entirely true) and touting himself as the true star of the show (very close to true).

After raiding my backstage supplies and throwing satsumas to the crowd (mandarins for us Aussies) Tom swept into a waiting cab, but only after I promised to get him on tele by the end of the tour. I may have created a monster, and it looks like this:


It was around this time the pizza arrived, delivered by a lovely young man called Callis, who rather than a tip took one look at the stage and said “Can I have a cake?”. So he did.

We all finished the show by sharing pizza, satsumas and cupcakes, but not before I was dared by the lady from Southampton to eat my own face from the top of a cupcake. I did:


So there you have it, a lovely night back on the road, with a lovely audience that was topped off by a man who responded to the question “Is Frank Richards going to be a star?” with “Fuck yeah he is”

I have a few days off before starting a run at the Soho Theatre on Mon the 19th, at which point the blogs will continue.

Ta Ta Til then


PS Both Callis and John are on twitter. Jon is @jonrushton90 and Callis is @HarveyDjent


  • Avril

    14.09.2011 at 10:54 Reply

    And now I’m hungry. I want pizza and cupcakes! Sounds like a great show – wish I was there or the show was here.

  • Waish

    14.09.2011 at 13:03 Reply

    Damn, the project has started already!? And I thought booking tickets for the first day at Soho would see the inception of the excitement. Looking forward to seeing you on the 19th!

  • jane carlin

    14.09.2011 at 23:56 Reply

    check out Doyle and debbie, fat women in trailers,

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