It was a day of trains today – Brighton to London to Cambridge to Norwich – and at the end of it all it was a joy to “come home” to the Norwich Playhouse.
As per usual, the show started with some chats to some lovely people, two of whom had brought along a monkey. Not just any monkey, it was the same monkey that was in the same venue the last time I was in Norwich. In fact, the monkey was wearing a little mini tour shirt with my dates on the back, along with the phrase “Poke Me Adam”.
This of course was a reference to our audience-led prostate awareness campaign, entitled “No Joke, Be A Bloke, Get A Poke.”
I duly obliged, the monkey was suitably posed (with an appropriate expression on his face) and a photo was taken:
A cackle from the end of the row grabbed my attention so I followed it to the source – a woman called Nicky who responded to my query of “Are you with anyone?” with “No… hang on, I mean yes!”
Turns out 1) she is engaged 2) to a guy called Jimmy 3) she has lost her engagement ring 4) Jimmy’s nickname is JFC 5) JFC stands for Jimmy Fat Cock (I apologise for the foul language. I was going to type Jimmy Fat C**k but we all know what it means) 6) Nicky didn’t invite Jimmy to the show.
I grabbed the phone of one of Nicky’s friends (Dan) called JFC and left a message. Within a few minutes he returned the call, and we had a right old chat. Jimmy managed to get some laughs from the crowd himself, and said he felt “like a rockstar”. This gave me an idea.
After the interval I phoned Jimmy back, placed the monkey on stage, placed the phone in the monkey’s lap, place a mic in front of the monkey, and asked Jimmy to belt out a tune. He said the only one he could remember was “500 Miles” by The Proclaimers.
So (and here’s a sentence I’ve never written before in my life) Jimmy Fat Cock lead three hundred people in a singalong of 500 Miles over a phone that was perched in the lap of a monkey. And it all looked like this:
I asked Jimmy if he’d like to come to the show tomorrow and recreate the scene in person, but Nicky protested that he was supposed to help her paint the house tomorrow. I suggested perhaps she should have thought of that when she chose not to invite him tonight. Jimmy will now be turning up tomorrow with a few mates to lead a singalong, and I will let you know what happens.
What worries me is that I had a chat with Nicky in the bar afterwards, and she told me Jimmy is a bit of a character and will be up for anything. She then said, and I quote “If you ask him to get his ballsack out, he’ll get his ballsack out”. Oh dear.
The rest of the audience consisted of an American man who had found love with a Norfolk woman:
an Australian lady who had found love with a Norfolk man:
and my old mate Adam Hill, who was celebrating his going-away do, and was responsible for bringing Nicky and her mates:
I am both looking forward to, and hesitant about, what will happen tomorrow when JFC arrives. Some audience members were toying with the idea of coming back. I will let you know how it goes.