Take My Fife

Take My Fife

Hello and greetings from the British Airways lounge at Heathrow, where I sit awaiting a flight to Los Angeles. I’m heading to LaLaLand for three days to 1) “take meetings” 2) spend some time with my brother, who has been living there for a wee while or 3) pretend I am in an episode of Entourage.  Possibly all of the above.

Since my last missive my tour has taken in a couple of dates in bonnie Scotland, so here’s a quick update of what happened at each.

Saturday was Glasgow, and a venue called The Garage. As the name suggests, it was a proper rock venue, suitably grungy, and judging by this bit of graffiti backstage, has played home to the best punk bands the world has seen:

The gig itself was suitably raucous, and featured a scientist by the name of Dr David Greenalge, a drunk and loud and quite excited Aussie called “Ah… Darren”, and young man sat in the front row with both his girlfriend and his parents (Side note: his girlfriend looked a lot like a younger version of his mother. Calling Dr Freud!)

The show was memorable however for the presence in the front row of a man called Adam, a man I encountered just under a year ago in an Edinburgh club called The Stand.

Those of you who have seen “Inflatable” will know this story, but last year at said Edinburgh gig, I got chatting to Adam – a long-haired, heavy-metal lookin’ dude, who told me he worked in forensics. He then proceeded to tell me the most horrific story ever.

I won’t repeat the story here, as I don’t want to ruin it for anyone that is yet to see my show, but suffice to say it involved two corpses, a drug addiction, and a gangrenous willy; it is a story I intend to tell my children in order to get them to stay away from drugs.

Well, Adam turned up to the show on Saturday, and took to the stage to help me retell the tale. In what was a touching moment, I thanked him for providing me with the most off-colour story I have ever told on stage, but also told him that it was time for us to go our separate ways. I had a career as a comic to follow, he had his life in Glasgow, and as the theme song from the Bodyguard played, I carried him off stage in my arms, as the gig came to an end.

I will never forget you Adam, or the abhorrent images you managed to put into the minds of anyone that saw my show this year.


The following night was Kirkcaldy, for what was the final night of the Kirkcaldy comedy festival. I performed in The Adam Smith Theatre, named after the Kirkcaldy-born “Father of Modern Economics”, to an audience that included two hundred and ninety Fife residents, and a German exchange student called Marius.

I began the show by asking the crowd to teach me a bit of local slang, and within five minutes learnt that “braw” means “good” as does “bonnie”, “baffies” are slippers, and a kitchen bench is known as a “bunker.” (I may have quite callously suggested one shouldn’t use the word “bunker” around the German)

After asking via twitter for some more slang, and being told constantly that all I had to do was end my sentences with either “ken” or “eh”, I discovered a cracking term for being drunk – “blootered”. It seems the most Fifey sentence ever would be “I was so blootered I left my braw baffies on the bonnie bunker.”

The only other moment of note from the audience was a young fella called Colin who mumbled incoherently but seemed to suggest he was in a local band called February Stars. A bit of searching from the sound tech found their myspace page, so we all had a listen to one of their songs, while Marius provided a German rap over the instrumental bit.

I then promised that I would make an appeal here for you to visit myspace.com/februarystars and at the very least have a listen to their music, but preferably leave them a comment as well. Let’s take this group to the top people! Maybe they can do a double-headliner bill with The Gabriel Finn Experience.

Three hours sleep and a flight to London later, I now find myself in a Heathrow lounge, giggling at the fact that while all the businessmen around me make important phone calls about “contracts” and “deals”, and send emails to heads of departments – I am typing away about braw baffies and infected willies.

What is even more ridiculous is that I am the second comedian this weekend to have played Kirkcaldy one night, then flown to LA the next morning. Apparently the very talented Scottish comedian Des Clarke did exactly the same thing two days ago.

Add to this the fact that Ewan McGregor studied in Kirkcaldy – and I think we have a new slogan that should be on all official town signage from now on:

“Kirkcaldy – Gateway To Hollywood.”

I will let you know if anything of note happens on my US jaunt, and being that Danny Wallace, Brendon Burns, Des Clarke and Wil Anderson are all in LA as well, it probably will.

I can see it now – An Englishman, a Scotsman and three Australians walk into a bar…

More to come soon



  • Yvonne

    06.10.2009 at 04:01 Reply

    Was at the KDY show yest and had a gr8 laugh mainly at the poor German chap at the front. My god he got ripped to shreds (but only in the funniest way)!
    Not sure if he understood everything you said but I’m sure he enjoyed the laugh. Ken wot I mean!!
    Def will keep a watch out for further dates here or edinburgh as no doubt you have plenty more funny stories up your sleeve eh?!!!

    Enjoy LaLaLand.
    Yvonne x

  • Misha

    06.10.2009 at 06:16 Reply

    If Brendon is involved its reasonably certain something will happen.

  • Fife Free Press

    07.10.2009 at 02:41 Reply

    Adam, You’ll be glad to hear the band you launched at your Kirkcaldy gig are now making the headlines in this week’s Fife Free Press!
    … oh and we’re inviting our readers to provide more Fife words for your Twitter!

    Thanks also for signing our t-shirt and raising money for Maggie’s Fife — a place very close to our hearts!

    The FFP

  • Oz Lass

    07.10.2009 at 06:00 Reply

    Hi Adam

    We were at your Kirkcaldy show on Sunday night, just wanted to say that we had a brilliant time.

    I’m from Sydney and when I first came here I could not work out who the heck Ken was either!

    Enjoy your trip to America, I hope you packed your baffies and your irn bru!


  • Steve

    07.10.2009 at 23:38 Reply


    Just a quck line or two to say how much I enjoyed your performance at the Adam Smith in Kirkcaldy on Sunday night – ye were braw laddie!. The best thing for me was that although I love comedy I have never (until now) spent time going to watch it. I haven’t laughed so much in ages.

    What I particularly enjoyed was that a lot of your time was not reeling off the same old set/routine but your gift really shone through when you interacted with the audience so much – your quick wit and spontinaity with the audience members was brilliant to watch and your enthusiasm for ordinary peoples lifes was inspirational.

    I was the smart-arse who shouted “yeah – I-D-L-E” when you were talking about Fife idol and attempting to communicate with the dude from February Stars. You’ll no doubt get a sleeve-note credit on their first album or a guest spot in their next video! 😉

    Your pathologist chap who spoke of the demise of the drug dealer and his partner was funny and reminded me of the joke “what did the leper say to the prostitute?” – KEEP THE TIP!

    My last feeble attempt at a joke will possible not work in a written format but:
    “What goes clip clop clip clop BANG! clip-clop-clip-clop?” – AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING!

    Best wishes for the future – I’ll definately be coming back to see you again next time you’re in Scotland – mind yer baffies though – it’s gettin’ cauld noo! (rember your slippers – it’s getting cold now)


    Steve Wilson

  • Natasha

    09.10.2009 at 12:03 Reply

    Hi there! A nice surprise this morning while strolling (cyber-space wise) across the Twitter pages to come across your twitter link!
    Marvelous I am such a fan of your FABULOUS show “Spicks & Specks” my entire family are wrapt and we adore your particular style in how you compare the show!
    Congrats and thanks for the wonderful comedy and delightful funny that is the essential person; you!

    (I hope you can take a compliment without cringing… some folk think I go over the top but it’s quite genuine!)


Post a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.